Dear Congress

Dear Congress,

        Please feel free to gently exfoliate the inside of your respective rectums with a spiked mace. Due to the Government shutdown I encourage you to share the same mace, in an effort to save money. An example of such a mace can be seen below.

 

     (Image from flickriver.com)

At this time I will not be providing a personal lubricant to aid in this endeavor. All I have left at this time for your maximum pleasure is a match and some gasoline. I wish for all of your gluteus maxima to burn with the fire whose heat is so immense that it can only be compared to the sudden burst of a thousand supernovas. For an example of a single supernova see the following picture.

(Image from NASA)

You tossers had one job! The folks over at http://hadonejob.com/ should be thanking me for the plug right about now. Also who doesn’t love a good pop culture reference? Your mandate, the only mandate that the constitution asks you to complete, is to pass a budget from which the Government can operate. You couldn’t even do that. Why couldn’t you do that? Why? Because you decided it was more important to piss on all the things and point fingers.

In the private sector every single one of you would be fired. I can’t go to my boss and say: ”Sorry boss, but I can’t play well with my colleagues, so the job’s just not going to get done.” Are you kidding me? Did you ever hear of “being a team player”? No business in the world would operate with the inefficiency and ineptitude that you do. If they did they would be bankrupt and their stocks would plummet. It’s a wonder that the Government isn’t bankrupt…oh wait, never mind. We are bankrupt! Literally, we have no funds to operate. Do you understand that? DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND. THAT.

To make matters worse. The only solution that has been thought of into existence is that the hard working employees of the Executive Branch are to be punished without pay, because the lackluster, lazy, non-committal, members of the Legislative Branch, didn’t do their job. Their only job. That’s the equivalent of saying, “The employees of Apple will be put on leave without pay, because the employees of Microsoft didn’t do their job.”

Let me run this through again. The employees who show up every day and provide much needed services, every single day, to the U.S. citizens across the world, are being punished because the employees who show up half the year (at best) didn’t do their job. The only job they had wasn’t done, so now the multitude of work performed by the rest of the Government can’t be done. Am I touching a nerve here? Are you upset? You should be.

        You disgust me, Congress. My hope, my only hope, is that those who are not for a clean budget, or continuing resolution, will lose every seat they have to offer in the 2014 elections. That is the only thing that will make it right.