Response to Paul Hudson

Dear Mr. Hudson,

I recently read your article The 100 Things Every 20-something Needs to Realize. This is my humble response. Some of these are actually reasonable suggestions. Some of them are just wrong. But I digress… my sometimes tongue-in-cheek responses are in bold.

1. You need a minimum of an hour to get ready before work or class. – No you don’t. As a 30-something parent I can tell you that it is possible to get your kids up and dressed and off to daycare, and yourself to work within 30 minutes if needed. I don’t recommend making it a habit, but it is possible. With coffee in hand I’m just as prepared for the day than if I took two hours to do the same.

2. Don’t hit the snooze button. If you gotta get up, then get up. – Hit the snooze whenever you want. In fact throw your alarm clock out the window. You have a phone with an alarm on it, use that if you must get up. I don’t recommend being late for appointments, but see #1 if you’re behind schedule.

3. Shaving is more than a suggestion. That goes for men and double for women. – Why double for women? I’m not going to discuss the double standard you just set there, but nobody needs to shave, ever. This includes women.

4. If you eat enough pizza, you will turn into a tub of oily cheese.- No you won’t eat as much pizza as you want. Pizza made the right way can be extremely healthy and still just as tasty.

5. Running isn’t just for four-legged animals. – I love running. That said, it’s not for everyone. An active healthy lifestyle is important, but it does not have to be running. Walking is just as effective. So is swimming, biking, hiking, lifting weights, laughing, sex, etc…

6. Getting high gets old. – To some extent I agree, but I also don’t think drugs are good in general. On the other hand I’m a firm believer in the power of moderation. If getting high is getting old, you’re probably doing it wrong.

7. Getting drunk doesn’t. But don’t tell that to your liver. – Yes it does, see response to #6.

8. Unprotected sex is a regret waiting to happen. – Maybe, maybe not. Still it is their choice, let them live with the consequences. It’s not your place to judge them, nor is it your place to teach them about sex.

9. The quiet ones are the best between the sheets — although it may take some time for them to open up. – Did you do a lot of research on that one? How many “loud ones” vs. “quiet ones” did you compare?

10. Dating is overrated and usually a waste of time. – If you think that is the case, you’re doing it wrong. Date as often as you please and enjoy every second.

11. Don’t date unless you think you may fall in love with them. – Seriously, you’re doing dating wrong if that’s your rule.

12. Facebook is boring and a waste of time. It is. Really. – No it isn’t  If you think it is, then please delete your Facebook page. I would not have found your article without it.

13. When you think you’re missing out, you’re not. – Sometimes you’re are missing out. Here’s the catch, it’s okay to miss out sometimes.

14. Nothing good happens after 3 a.m. – Clearly you’ve never had Denny’s breakfast with a group of friends after a long night of drinking and dancing.

15. Sex is better if you are emotionally involved with your partner. – I mostly agree here. However you can have some pretty damn good sex with someone you’re not emotionally involved with at all.

16. Reading is always better than watching TV. – Many people enjoy reading more than watching TV. Some don’t. Who are you to judge? Some people actually learn differently, and learn more by watching TV. Not everybody learns like you, or enjoys the same things as you. Sometimes the TV can be a way to unwind. Not everybody can unwind with a book.

17. Watching reality TV makes you dumber. – See #16

18. Yay, you can twerk!! But can you do anything useful? – Twerking can be useful for having fun. By the depth of your advice it appears you have lost the art of having fun.

19. The way people see you is just as important as the way you see yourself. – No it isn’t  The way others see you doesn’t matter one bit if you don’t care how they see you.

20. Friends are hard to come by. Don’t ignore those you have. – Sometimes it’s okay to balk on your friends. If they are your friends they will understand and forgive.

21. Most people want something from you. – If you see the world this way I have nothing but pity for you.

22. There is no such thing as free. – Yes there is, it’s rare but it’s out there.

23. You don’t have a hole in your wallet; money just disappears. – What the hell does that mean?

24. Putting more money into your car than the car is worth makes you look like a dickhole. – Some people like to put their money into their car. Just because you wouldn’t like a car like that doesn’t mean they don’t. Judging people for spending their money the way they want to “makes you look like a dickhole”. Also, what’s wrong with dickholes. If you don’t like them, stop having sex now. Please don’t breed.

25. Listening to music too loud CAN make you go deaf. – Duh.

26. Drunken sloppy sex is only good the first time — maybe first two times. – If you feel that way you’re probably doing it wrong. Moderation is the key again.

27. Don’t spend money on things you don’t need because you won’t have money for the things that you do need. – Spend your money on whatever you want to. Budgets are important, but not the be all end all of life.

28. If you want to know if the relationship will work out, then let him see you without your makeup. – Don’t wear makeup in the first place. Or do, wear as much makeup as you want as often as you want.

29. Being in a relationship is not a reason to let yourself go. – If you are happy letting yourself go, do you whatever you want.

30. More tongue is not the answer. – Uhhhh… you’re obviously doing it wrong. You must have the most boring sex life.

31. Ladies: your teeth are for chewing. We don’t like to be chewed. – The most boring sex life ever. I love to be chewed. More teeth ladies. Please.

32. Guys: she may say it’s an exit only, but that’s only because she’s never given it a try. #Shocker – If she doesn’t want to try anal, you shouldn’t shame her into doing it. Some people have tried and it and guess what, they just don’t like it.

33. Stop using hashtags. They’re not always appropriate. – #dowhateveryouwanttoandhashtagallthethings

34. If you can get her into bed before date 3, then you’ll get bored with her by week 2. – See my response to #30

35. If you give it up too soon then he’ll consider you conquered and move onto the next mountain. – Ladies do whatever makes you happy. Don’t listen to this condescending drivel.

36. Women are never free. – What does that even mean? Are you suggesting that all women must be bought at some point? You’re doing it wrong again.

37. Men may not only be looking for sex, but sex is definitely a part of it. A big part. – Maybe for you. Some men are different.

38. Waiting until you get married to have sex is stupid. – Why? Ladies if you want to wait, you go a head and wait. The same goes for men. If you want to wait, you wait and be proud of what you have done.

39. Bad sex = bad relationship. – There is a lot more to a relationship than sex. A relationship is a growing and learning process, just as sex is. Research Kinsey to understand this more.

40. If you’re going to get a tattoo then make it small and have it somewhere inconspicuous. – Get that tattoo where ever you want, as large and with as much color as you can afford.

41. Savings accounts are not for dummies. – There is more to life than a savings account. It can be a useful tool in the right situation, but not always.

42. You will hate yourself for getting a new credit card. – Not if you use it wisely. Again, moderation.

43. If you’re feeling sh*tty, get some exercise. – Or have a drink, or eat some bacon, or do whatever makes you happy.

44. You should always do your best to look your best because it will make you feel your best. – Some people feel better in sweats and a t-shirt. Get over your overpriced clothes, they’re not that great.

45. Orgies. – What about them? They’re not for some people, other people enjoy them. If you want one, have one. If you don’t, then don’t.

46. Learn to play chess. – I love chess, much like I love running. I don’t recommend it for everyone. Learn to play whatever you want to.

47. The world works, in large part, by manipulation. – If this is the way you feel, I pity you.

48. Having the ability to read people will get you further in life than anything else. – What is with your obsession about getting further in life. Some people are happy just being where they are at, with a simple life.

49. It’s not just whom you know, but also what you know that matters. – If you feel strongly about 47 and 48 then this contradicts that. Back to logic school for you.

50. You should live in New York City for at least a year. – Why? So I can be miserable for a year?

51. You should live abroad for at least a year. – Why? So I can be miserable for a year? I encourage visiting and traveling, but why do I have to live there. I like living here.

52. As a rule of thumb, don’t do drugs. You don’t ever know what you’re actually taking. – Drugs might not be the most judicious choice, but if you want to do drugs, go right ahead. You may experience new things, that might be good for you. Just remember the bit about moderation.

53. Less is almost always more. – Not when it comes to bacon, or cheeseburgers, or bacon cheeseburgers.

54. Beauty lies in simplicity. – Do you know how complex the human nervous system is? One of the most beautiful things ever.

55. Overcomplicating things leaves things overly complicated. – Circles are round and therefore circles. Also, circular reasoning is a logical fallacy.

56. If you sleep around with a lot of people, then you are a whore. But who cares? As long as you’re clean, you’re clean. – If nobody cares why bring this up? If you’re not “clean” you’re no less of a person. 

57. Make mistakes now. Making them later will be too late. – Make as many mistakes as you want in life. As long as you learn from them, then it is never too late.

58. We all want what we can’t have. Remind yourself of that every day. – I can’t be pregnant and I don’t want to be.

59. You can do less and produce more. – You can also do more and produce a lot more.

60. It’s all about efficiency. – It’s all about enjoying the process. You really must have the most boring sex in the history of sex.

61. You can’t buy time.

62. Time itself is an illusion. Always think: “I’ll be there before I know it.” And you’ll prove yourself right each time. – I skipped 61 because 62 is my response.

63. They stopped making good music in the 90s. – You’re obviously listening to the wrong music. Good music is being made everyday if you know where to look.

64. You don’t actually want to be a DJ. You just don’t understand what it means to be one. – How do you what I want to be, or what I understand?

65. Lower your expectations and you won’t be so disappointed. – Never lower your expectations. Never.  

66. Using toys can be fun for both parties. – Maybe your sex life isn’t so boring after all. That said some people have lots of fun, without toys. See #30 and #31.

67. Size does matter. It goes for both sexes. – You’re doing it wrong.

68. If you expect oral sex then have the courtesy to lather and rinse beforehand. – See #67 Although regular bathing is nice, in general.

69. Don’t say I love you unless you mean it. – Say whatever you want to, whenever you want to. See the First Amendment of the Constitution for more on this matter.

70. Don’t be afraid to fall in love. – Love is scary. Be afraid, be very afraid.

71. Yoga. – What about it? For some people it is good, for some people it is boring.

72. Violence is for idiots. Use your words. – Where zen ends, butt kicking begins – Stephen Hyde from That 70’s Show. Some people just need their butt kicked.

73. Being smarter does make you the better person. – No it doesn’t.  It might make you feel better, but gloating about it makes you the lesser person.

74. Kill them with kindness.

75. You don’t need to be an assh*le to get ahead in  life, but you can’t be a pushover either. – 74 and 75 cannot both be the case.

76. Your cellphone is ruining your life. – My cellphone is a magnificent tool and it has done nothing but made my life better. Moderation and using the tool properly is the key.

77. There is no substitute for face-to-face human interaction. – Yes there is, it’s called the internet, maybe you’ve heard of it.

78. Get checkups regularly. It could save your life. – So could not listening to your advice.

79. If you’re going to smoke, then use a vaporizer. – If you’re going to smoke, do whatever you want.

80. It is morally wrong to be obese. – Dispensing poor judgmental advice is morally wrong. Be whatever size you are and be happy.

81. A good blowjob goes a long way. – It works both ways dude. Do you ever give? Maybe you should. About that boring sex life…

82. Slow and gentle will always get her off. Rough and intense only works on occasion. – Could your sex life be more boring. It is now, you’re doing it wrong.

83. If you’re using the pulling-out method, then you have a good chance of pulling out a baby in a few months. – Use whatever method you see fit. If you’re having sex you have a good chance of having a baby no matter what the contraceptive is.

84. Don’t drink cheap liquor. – Drink whatever you want. Jose` Cuervo will get you just as drunk as 1800.

85. Don’t eat crap food. – Crap food can be some of the most delicious food you’ve ever had. Eat whatever you want.

86. Drink lots and lots of water. Most of you are chronically dehydrated. – Your advice is chronically pedantic. Drink as much or as little water as you want, just understand the benefits and downsides of whatever you drink.

87. Meditate. – I’ve got better stuff to do.

88. Sudoku helps fight off future dementia. – So does not reading this bilge.

89. You don’t have ADD. – Some people do. A lot of people are misdiagnosed, but some people legitimately have ADD.

90. You’re most likely to be your own cause of depression. – Depression is clinically recognized disease, that some people cannot be cured of. Are you a psychologist? Talk to me about depression when you are.

91. The way you see the world is all that matters. But understand that you may be delusional. – The only person delusional here is you.

92. There’s always more to the story. – In other news the sky is blue.

93. People lie. – We bring you this breaking news story, the grass is green.

94. You are alone in this life. Accept that and appreciate the moments when you don’t feel so alone. – What horrible way to live.

95. Family is more important. – Not always.

96. If you don’t work to improve yourself everyday then you are wasting your life. – You’ve wasted your life with this column. In no way were you improved by it.

97. Passion is what makes life worth living. – No bacon makes life worth living.

98. You are always better off than most people in the world. – By definition half the people in the world are worse off than most people in the world. That means you have a 50% chance of being worse off than most people in the world.

99. You aren’t entitled to sh*t — nada. You get what you earn. – Some people don’t ever get what they earn. There’s also a thing called fundamental human rights, it’s in the Declaration of Independence; you might want to look it up.

100. No matter what happens, never give up. Ever. – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. Giving up is okay sometimes. Sometimes things just don’t work out. It’s better move on to the things that do work, then dwell on that which doesn’t.

Tags: advice, blogging, folly, hashtags, humor, intelligence, internet, joy, open letter, Paul Hudson, sarcasm, sex, wisdom, youth