Don’t Read

Don’t ever start reading. If you’re reading now I encourage you to stop. Those who read tend to get better at it and want to do more of it. It’s an addicting behavior and it will start to control all aspects of your life. There is no such thing as a functioning readaholic. It exercises the brain in much the same way that going to the gym exercises the muscles of your body. If there’s one thing I hear everyone complaining about, it’s exercise. So stop reading now. Reading also improves concentration. The last thing we want is for our children to learn to sit for long periods of time without making a lot of noise. If we wanted them to do that we would just stuff them full of Ritalin and shove them in facilities where we make them do this for six to eight hours a day, so that they can learn. Besides I would hate to see the drug companies go out of business. Put that book down. You will only end up learning about the world around you. You’ll be exposed to new ideas, ways of life, or worse something that might be outside your own experience. You simply cannot allow that to happen. Reading will improve your vocabulary and your ability to write. You will begin to naturally recognize and produce good sentence structure and use words more efficiently and appropriately. This can only lead to things like accuracy and becoming more productive in your everyday life. Reading more sparks imaginations and leads to comparisons of one’s life to the stories which you’ve read. Imagine the horror this will bring about when people start to talk to each other and are suddenly able to relate about differences in their lives. This might lead to disastrous occurrences of empathy and compassion for those around you. You might even be compelled to help people for whom you know little about. This is where ideas like Social Security, and welfare come from, so for God’s sake PUT DOWN THAT BOOK! It’s no surprise that children who read more often do better in school. If they do better in school they often get branded as nerds, geeks, know-it-alls, teachers pet and other such atrocities. This makes them more susceptible  to bullying and not being part of the cool kids group. The last thing you want is an overachiever for a child. That’s just begging for them to be tortured by their peers. They might even get into a good university and that’s only going to cost you more money. That’s less money you could be spending on things for yourself. Reading more can only mean bad things for the economy. Reading more means you’ll learn to entertain yourself easier. Movie theaters need your business and television networks need to sell your ratings to advertisers. Don’t make them suffer, they are the job creators after all. You might even find yourself relaxed and less stressed. You might even be able to sleep better at night. When you read to children you build a relationship with them. They grow closer to you and build memories that involve you. If you ever want them to move out you need to stop reading to them. We should ban books and other reading devices. They only encourage learning and self-improvement. The only 100% effective way to prevent our children from doing better than you is to stop reading all together. If by chance they do read and do happen to graduate college and rack up thousands in debt to go to college they should be on their own. In no way should society help them at all. It should be seen as a privilege to go to college and obtain higher degrees. A privilege reserved only for those who can afford it. Also, if you were forcibly read to and made to go to college, don’t worry. If you really resist all learning society will find a proper place for you and your knowledge will not be held against you.

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Tags: Children, learning, reading, Satire, teaching